True Life

My First Love

My first love. I dated C for three years in college and we were friends long before we were lovers. By this time I had been in one very long(5 yrs) unhealthy relationship with an older guy, he's not even worth blogging about, and C had only been in one relationship that wasn't really a relationship by the adult definition. He was still fresh to the dating scene and I knew I was going to mold him into my perfect man. He already had a lot going for him, intelligent, goal oriented, sexy body, and handsome. Unfortunately, he was from a very small town in PA, that meant I had to develop his style. But I'm a shopaholic so that was not a problem; I had C fly in no time.

Because I am such an extrovert I was very well known on campus, I was president of every club, I went to every party, and was involved in the Greek life. C on the other hand was an introvert he played football and video games but never went out and was not involved in any organizations. That changed very quickly when we started dating, I dragged him to parties and got him involved on campus; he became known as "no_more_drama's boyfriend". At this point he was my perfect man and a year an a half had flew by. We fought about little things because I was anal about how clean I kept everything and he was use to his mother cleaning up after him. But never many big fights. That is until all the other women on campus began to take notice of all the changes in C. Now he was worth looking at and was something to talk about; where had he been all this time. I had to shut that sh*t down very quickly and it was not pretty. But I didn't want to stop him from having female friends that would not be fair since I had plenty of male friends, most of which tried dating me and when I said no became my friend. But every time I met a new female she had that look in her eyes like man I want her man, for the most part I brushed it off because I was one of the best looking girls on campus and he wouldn't dare be so foolish as to let me find anything out. But it still cause fight after fight. And who wants to do that all the time.

All great things must come to an end. Three years was here in no time and while I thought we were headed to the alter C had very different plans. We were graduating and it was clear we were headed down very different paths. I was a great student who wanted to pursue another degree while he was a mediocre student who wanted to pursue his professional football career. This just wasn't going to work anymore and he was the one to realize it first. Needless to say he ended it and for a long time I wouldn't even speak to him; I was heart broken. But now we speak occationally and you never know what could come from that, we could still end-up together; highly unlikely but still plausible.

C has always been the benchmark I judged everyone else by. Looking back from what I'm learning now, I'm amazed at how much less than best that was. From my new vantage point, that college relationship gets knocked down the point scale to about a 6.5, in comparison to what I know is a perfect 10. How little I knew about how good things could be. So full of strife, conflict, each of us always feeling like we needed more love from the other, needing needing needing and never being full, feeling bad for needing what the other couldn't give, feeling resentful at what the other couldn't give.... And that was what I thought was a perfect 10 at the time, I guess it was exactly what I needed. I was still reacting to the world as a damaged teenager fresh out of such a bad relationship and he made me feel safe to throw my temper tantrums and still be held tight... what a mess it all was. Now as a woman I know what I want and expect from a man. I know what is acceptable and what is not. I know that if you can't love a man for what he has to offer without changing him he's not the one for you. I am just having a hard time finding it.

posted by no_more_drama @ 12:37 AM