A Letter to the Men in My Life
I have changed so much in the last four months. I have begun to take a lot more BS from people in general but especially men. When I said I wanted to change my attitude I didn't think it meant I would have to accept so much BS. But I think it comes with understanding that people aren't perfect, you can only set but so many stands for people because people aren't standardized and expectations need to be revamped when dealing with different people. I have also learned that if you set people on a pedestal they are guaranteed to fail because no one ever lives upto your expectations. Here is something I learned as I have grown:
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast. You'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much,and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.Now, I am the first one to give someone else advise and it's usually pretty good advice. However, I never seem to take my own advise. From this day forth I plan on taking my own advise. And I will start by telling all the men in my life what I think of them. This is what I would say:
S,
it was nice while it lasted but I need something more. Something of substance and quality. The bootycall thing works best for us but it's not what I want. Now don't take what I am saying the wrong way. I don't want more from you I want more in general. I actually don't want anything from you. I have so little respect for you because you are 30, with two children, drive a jaguar and you live at home with your parents. I mean if I spend the night your Dad's breakfast is great but I would rather not be greeted by your Mom and little brother in the morning. When is it time to grow-up and be a man? I mean your childrens' mother is a little crazy but you just need to marry her, I don't get why she's good enough for you to continue sleeping with and having children with but not good enough to marry. You just need to grow-up and do right by that woman; she deserves at least that. But first you need to get your priorities straight. Partying every weekend, driving a jag and living at home is not what's up.
J,
I love the southern boy in you and the southern man in you but you need to leave the games alone. Lets be real for a second here you aren't single, you have two children, and you aren't making money just playing ball. I don't know and don't want to know what your doing but anyone driving a range, 760i, and a Benz and not playing in the NBA is not just playing ball; but do what works for you. Your green eyes drive me crazy and your accent is sexy but that's all I every think about when I think of you. Other than those superficial things I don't think you have much personality; it's actually kind dull. You never talk about anything other than how much money you spend, what you drive, etc. I hate to tell you but I DON'T CARE; I have my own car, I buy my own clothes, and I make my own money, I depend on me. The only women you are going to attract with that are golddigger and scalawags.
L,
I'm not upset I actually think it was funny. I mean who goes out of their way to do all of that when they have a girlfriend. You need to get it together. After six years you need to stop with the games. No hard feeling but I do want my damn book back; that's a signed copy.
E,
What can I say that has not already been said. You are a jerk. I have never regretted anything up until now; I regret ever meeting you. You are worse than L and he's a fool. Your problem is that playing basketball for a well renowned college and being a legend there has really got your head big. The ladies and everyone else have blown your ego up to where it's bigger than you and you can't control it. I hate to tell you but you aren't famous; I had never heard your name before and no one I know has a clue who you are. I mean you aren't even that great of a basketball player; if you were don't you think you would be in the NBA and not the CBA. You are nice looking but your f*cked up attitude makes you ugly. You let your insecurities get the best of you; if I wanted J I would be with him. You are so busy listening to other people about that situation if you had only asked I would have told you nothing but the truth. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to date you, I don't even want to talk to you; actually I was hoping you would lose your phone with my number in it so that I didn't have to change my cell phone number. There will never be anything between us because I can't stand you. You are a little crazy and I mean scary crazy, you are childish to an extreme, and your personality, well that would be okay if you didn't think you were God's gift to earth. Grow-up and believe that there is always someone faster, smarter, and better looking than you; once you realize that maybe your ego will be brought back to this planet and you would be an okay guy.
With all of that off my chest I feel a lot better. Maybe I'll link this in my away message so they can all see how I really feel. Or maybe some things are better left unsaid.
Love & Hate
I can't seem to erase E out of my life. I'm not sure what it is. That's not true I know what it is but I'm not ready to talk about that just yet.
He seems to believe that we have a love-hate relationship. We yell at each other, tell each other how much the other gets on our last nerve and remind the other of their flaws on a regular bases. Sometimes I need that because it helps to keep me grounded. Sometimes I think "wow, he doesn't take my sh*t like the other men I have dealt with" and I think it's great. But other times some of what he has to say is hurtful and disrespectful. Now I don't want to make myself sound like the victim because for all who know me know I am far from an angel when it comes to arguing. I say mean and hurtful stuff that would hurt any mans pride if he's not strong enough to take it. So maybe we do have a love-hate relationship or maybe we just need to leave each other alone because we are too much alike.
I know that I don't love E because I don't know him well enough to say that. Sometimes I don't even think I care much about him. But there is something about him that keeps me going back and it can't be his charming personality because he's an asshole, much like myself. And I can admit I am an asshole when it come to dealing with men. I don't love him, sometimes I care, and other times I hate his ass; that's the only sure thing. Sometimes I am willing to fly around the world to be with him, other times I wish his plane would drop out the sky on his way back to the states, and still I keep going back to him. Maybe he's right. Maybe we do have a Love-Hate relationship. Maybe we are meant to be together because we keep each other grounded. Maybe we aren't meant to be together but he was placed in my life to teach me a lesson about relationships. We might end up killing each other but at least we know that making up will be great, hahaha. The UNCERTAINTY keeps me going back, it keeps my adrenaline pumping, and it keeps me grounded.
Love Is
What is it about love that keeps me longing, dreading, and desiring it. It's almost like an addictive drug, once you have tried it you can't kick the habit. I know what it is that makes me feel this way about love. It's the uncertainty. I never know what I'm going to get when I'm in love. A broken heart, a best friend, a lover or a lifetime partner. The uncertainty is the best and the worst part. The uncertainty keeps me wanting more and wanting less. It keeps me sane and drives me crazy. I'm in love with love because it makes my adrenaline rush. It's the perfect high and the best why to make someone feel low.
Like anyone I desire to be loved and I think I have so much love to give but the uncertainty worries me. With that said I keep finding myself at a crossroad with love. I get to the point where I can chose to love someone or leave them and act like I don't care about them before my feelings get involved. When in reality I did care and I wanted more than just the physical. Once it's too late I some times find myself wondering about what could have been had I taken the chance, let my wall down, and trusted. Am I too attached to past hurts? Will I ever feel real love again or will I be stuck in the stage of infatuation. Relationships based solely on physical things that have no role in real love.
Now I have not felt that way about anyone in a long time. Most of the situations I find myself involved in are based on things of no substance; childish things. But I can't seem to shake all the things I know will only lead me to relationships of no substance. Relationships based solely on sex and physical characteristics. Things that only take the situation so far before they become boring and dry. When the sex is over and he can't hold an intelligent conversation; then what? When him being cute is okay until he opens his mouth; then what? Things of no substance!
So love is...UNCERTAINTY! But you still need SUBSTANCE.
My First Love
My first love. I dated C for three years in college and we were friends long before we were lovers. By this time I had been in one very long(5 yrs) unhealthy relationship with an older guy, he's not even worth blogging about, and C had only been in one relationship that wasn't really a relationship by the adult definition. He was still fresh to the dating scene and I knew I was going to mold him into my perfect man. He already had a lot going for him, intelligent, goal oriented, sexy body, and handsome. Unfortunately, he was from a very small town in PA, that meant I had to develop his style. But I'm a shopaholic so that was not a problem; I had C fly in no time.
Because I am such an extrovert I was very well known on campus, I was president of every club, I went to every party, and was involved in the Greek life. C on the other hand was an introvert he played football and video games but never went out and was not involved in any organizations. That changed very quickly when we started dating, I dragged him to parties and got him involved on campus; he became known as "no_more_drama's boyfriend". At this point he was my perfect man and a year an a half had flew by. We fought about little things because I was anal about how clean I kept everything and he was use to his mother cleaning up after him. But never many big fights. That is until all the other women on campus began to take notice of all the changes in C. Now he was worth looking at and was something to talk about; where had he been all this time. I had to shut that sh*t down very quickly and it was not pretty. But I didn't want to stop him from having female friends that would not be fair since I had plenty of male friends, most of which tried dating me and when I said no became my friend. But every time I met a new female she had that look in her eyes like man I want her man, for the most part I brushed it off because I was one of the best looking girls on campus and he wouldn't dare be so foolish as to let me find anything out. But it still cause fight after fight. And who wants to do that all the time.
All great things must come to an end. Three years was here in no time and while I thought we were headed to the alter C had very different plans. We were graduating and it was clear we were headed down very different paths. I was a great student who wanted to pursue another degree while he was a mediocre student who wanted to pursue his professional football career. This just wasn't going to work anymore and he was the one to realize it first. Needless to say he ended it and for a long time I wouldn't even speak to him; I was heart broken. But now we speak occationally and you never know what could come from that, we could still end-up together; highly unlikely but still plausible.
C has always been the benchmark I judged everyone else by. Looking back from what I'm learning now, I'm amazed at how much less than best that was. From my new vantage point, that college relationship gets knocked down the point scale to about a 6.5, in comparison to what I know is a perfect 10. How little I knew about how good things could be. So full of strife, conflict, each of us always feeling like we needed more love from the other, needing needing needing and never being full, feeling bad for needing what the other couldn't give, feeling resentful at what the other couldn't give.... And that was what I thought was a perfect 10 at the time, I guess it was exactly what I needed. I was still reacting to the world as a damaged teenager fresh out of such a bad relationship and he made me feel safe to throw my temper tantrums and still be held tight... what a mess it all was. Now as a woman I know what I want and expect from a man. I know what is acceptable and what is not. I know that if you can't love a man for what he has to offer without changing him he's not the one for you. I am just having a hard time finding it.
The Cross Roads
Which road will I take. Well, S is back in my life but only as a bootycall. He tries to make it on his terms and I allow him to think it is but we all know who controls when sex goes down. I let him come over one Friday and he thought he could come over that same Saturday. I had to tell him "this is not a regular thing, so don't get to comfortable" he didn't like that very much but, oh well. I don't speak to him outside of him coming over and I don't really care to, I don't want to know what's going on with him, and I don't really care about how his life is going. I guess I have become a little emotionless when it come to S. I hope he is ready to take what he dished out.
J, is trying to make himself a permanent fixture in my life but it's difficult for him to do that and although I still care about him I'm not sure that's what I want. I think we are just better off going our separate ways sometimes and then others times I think we should be together. I guess time will tell. I always say "the best expression of love is time". But if I don't see him soon I'm just going to stop even answering his text messages. That's what I say out my mouth at least....
L is done. If I see him in the street I will cross the street and act like I don't know him. I am usually a pretty civil person but he put me in the middle of some BS. I just don't have any words for that one.
E, what can I say about him. He was the biggest mistake and seems to be the hardest to shake. He's so hot and cold with his feelings. He keeps trying to get me to come to Puerto Rico, not happening, although it is tempting because the man is so fine. But I won't let my coche get the best of me, hahaha. He's been trying to be so sweet that it is starting to freak me out. I can never understand why we (women) ask for something and then are freaked out or turned off by the very thing we asked for. Maybe I am just so done with the situation that I'm turned off, not by him of course but by his personality.
So as of now this is where my love life stands but Spring Break is coming up very soon and I am traveling. Oh Boy! Lets see what mischief I can get myself involved in on the road.
I've been thinking maybe I need to reevaluate how I choose the men I date. I guess I should leave teammates and other women's boyfriends alone!
Love and Basketball
Why do men act like they don't care about your past relationships when they know they do? That brings me to E. He is the worst of them all. And probably the biggest mistake I ever made. E played on the same team as J and I talked to him after J went back south. Now E is 6'9", 260, big brown eyes, nice body and sexy. Not as sexy as J but I think it was just the green eyes and that southern accent that gave J his sex appeal.
Anyway, I meet E officially at my job I didn't know him from the team or J; does that make it any less shady...probably not! I saw him walk by and he was tall just like I like them. So while standing in my store I was peeking at him standing in the connecting store. My co-workers came over to see if I knew him because they assume I know every tall basketball player type male that enters the store, hehehe. They said he was being rude so I took that as my cue to go over and introduce myself. I walked over and said "so I hear you are being rude to my co-workers...do you play for the P's...my name is... "And I walked back to my store. Needless to say I had his attention and he couldn't help but to come over, speak, buy something, and get my number. Not to mention I had just had my hair done that day so I looked fierce. He thought he was being a player but I was hip to that game. I gave him my number anyway. He called that night and we haddrinks and an appetizer. While we ate he told me he knew about me talking to J. That didn't bother me because I figured he had to know; I talked to J for like 3 or 4 months. Then he bad mouthed him and I sat there and listened and laughed internally. I took him home with me anyway; what the hell. Scandalous! He came over the following night; we watched a movie and enjoyed each others company. He was leaving for home and then PR the next day. Great, right.
But that night is when the craziness started. He kept saying he was going to marry me and I was going to have his babies, RED FLAG. I'm like wow this dude is wild; but I kept talking to him. He wanted me to come and visit in PR, you know I'm always up to travel; what was I thinking. So I promised I would visit him in PR. He went home and we didn't talk much until after he go to PR (two days later). We talked for another week while he was in PR and one day out of the clear blue sky he brings J back up. At this point I tell him "you knew what the deal was before you got involved and you chose to get involved so what's the problem" he says "you are probably still talking to J". I swore at this point someone had said something to J but I guess not; I sure hadn't spoken to him. But the conversation got really ugly from there. He called me all types of names and I'm sure it didn't help that I just laughed at him and told him to go to hell. He said a ton of stuff that was meant to be hurtful and some of it was, but shit happens. Cry a little and move on. He preceded to tell me lets be friends, lol, what kind of crap is that after you just cursed me out?
I hadn't spoken to him since that last conversation and while I wrote this who IMed me but E, hahaha; "I just wanted to see how you were doing, that's it...can we talk...are you busy...if I get you a ticket will you come visit". Do I have fool written on my forehead? I wouldn't go visit that fool especially not in another country, hahahahaha. He must be out of his mind. I can't wait to see what this fool does when he gets back to the states; after all he did threaten me and tell me he knows where I live, what kind of car I drive, where I go to school and work.
This should be interesting...
He's International
Now there is L. I meet him during a nightout with my co-workers at a local establishment. He was tall (6'9"), a large muscular man, football player build (offensive linemen), with dark green eyes and a bald head. He was the best looking guy in the club that night. Now L seemed so intelligent, kind, fun, and loving at first but it was all a facade.
We talked and I realized that we knew many of the same people. I also learned that he was in an open relationship, the power of Facebook; open I said, what is the true definition of this relationship? We are comfortable together so we continue to see each other but the distance is wearing on the relationship. Red flag #1! I thought he was cool so I continued to talk to him. We hungout with our mutual friends together, bowling, dinner, etc. It was cool! A few weeks into it he tells me he's single: "I told her I didn't want to see her anymore". I didn't believe it. My best friend and my roommate loved him. They thought he was the best out of the guys I was talking to but something about him just didn't rub me the right way and I didn't give him the time I was giving S and J. But I kept him around.
A group of us went out one night to a bar/club. I walked away for a minute to come back and find him all over some girl, I'm not sure why I was so bothered by this. Oh wait, I know, "how dare he he is here with me and I need to make it known" mind you I was not even feeling him like that, it was all an act to get what I wanted. But I stormed out and he ran after me, now he was open (catching feelings). I drove off not hearing what he had to say, all a mind game. I ignored his calls as he called incessantly to apologize. I got a gift from that mistake that I wear to work every day. Obviously I kept him around a little longer. I didn't give him much of my time, lie after lie. It was either school work, girls nightout, washing my hair, blah, blah,blah. I would call him when I was bored or the other guys were busy.
Now it's about a month into this and it's time for his spring break and he tells me he's going to Brazil to work with orphaned children. My friends are like "he's great he's using his spring break to work with orphans" I'm like "whatever". The night before he's leaving we all go out and it happens again. I walk away and there he is again all over another girl. Oh Boy! He just doesn't learn. So I blackout on him; I'm such a great actress and the alcohol helped. He followed me out once more begging for me to hear him out, I drove off once again. I ignored his calls for the rest of the night and morning before his flight as he begged me to forgive him and telling me how much he was going to miss me. So now he's supposed to be in Brazil and I get this email from him:
what up, I left my phone home so I need you to email me back to get your number.....I don't know it by heart but I'm sure you don't remember mine either.....I got here at around 2am Sunday.... Were 2 hours ahead of the time there....I'm at a Internet cafe in Salvador, Bahia...its a city and state in north east Brazil..I did a lot of tourist shit today, and tomorrow I'm going to Christ Alive Corner Orphanage but that's not how they say it, its Orfanato Recanto Cristo Vivo in Portuguese... The weather is beautiful down here, and I know its gotta be like 80 degrees up there....SIKE.......But I'm in Salvidor until Wednesday then I'm headed down to Rio until Saturday....I know this is going to be a great learning experience, because it has been interesting already....I know when I left you and I weren't on good terms but I got you 2 things and I know if you don't hit me back to stop gettin you gifts because MY TIME IS UP......But I hope you do, I really do miss you.... I'm here and I'm alive and I'm gettin tan..... holla at me LHe even changed his voicemail to say he was in Brazil. But if all this were true I wouldn't be writing this blog. Come to find out he was not in Brazil but visiting his girlfriend of 6 years who just happened to email me to find out what was going on between the two of us. We exchanged numbers and I gave the girl the raw honest truth, I mean I owed her that after putting up with that fool for 6 years. I had been where she was and knew how she was feeling. She was hurt but now she knew the truth and could do with it what she wanted. As soon as I hung-up with the girlfriend I get a call from L's older sister "why would you tell her this stuff", "do you think you are going to be his girlfriend now", "you want my brother". I couldn't do anything but laugh because I couldn't give two shits about her brother and want him, hahah, he was not even on my level. He couldn't dress, I mean he wore run down sneakers and the same jeans all week. So I had to tell her, nicely, your brother must be lying to you as well because I don't want him, he chases me, calls me incessantly, and damn near stalks me. You can believe what he's telling you if you want. He was a fallback guy. And I hung-up. I didn't get any more phone calls and after this encounter I thought "great this situation is over".
Little did I know that L was not quite done yet. Do you know he still had the nerve to contact me. He emailed me and said:
All the shit that happened was crazy...But you did what you felt you had to do...the crazy thing is that I had already told her all the things you said to her so she just wanted to hear it from you that why she got a hold of you. But I did think there was a little confidentiality between us but I see that I was wrong...oh well Im not mad and Im sure your not either..we both know that life progresses . Let me know how to get your book back to you. LHe's not mad...is He joking..how could he be...he put me in the middle of his drama. He's a pathological liar and it just keeps coming. There must be something really wrong with him. I guess he wasn't as dumb as I thought he was because the whole Brazil story was very creative.
But he's right about one thing LIFE PROGRESS!
The Dirty South
Who's next. J came into my life rather randomly. I was food shopping in Walmart and he was food shopping as well. The man was so sexy I didn't know what to do with my self, 6'7", green eyes, perfect body. Just thinking about him makes me wanna, hmmm. J was sexy and always said all the right things to make me smile; a southern boy with a southern accent. When he was around I didn't have to pay for anything and I never wanted for anything. We went on a few dates and even partied together. He could dress and dance his butt off. But my overly cautious butt didn't think anything he said out his mouth was the truth. And it probably wasn't! How could a man this fine be single. He was 27 with two children, I just can't seem to get away from the men with children, a nine year old daughter and a 4 year old son. But we know I don't learn my lesson and that didn't seem like a red flag for me, I kept pursuing him.
Well two months into dealing with him he went back to the South. We kept in contact, telephone calls daily at first and even an occasional email. That changed real fast and so did his great attitude, I guess going back home does that. He claimed it was just because he was busy trying to get some businesses off the ground. But you know I didn't believe that and I figured he was too occupied with his women down there, I was probably right; who knows.
So he begged me to come visit, I bought a ticket and he offered to pay for my best friends ticket so she could come with me. But the week we were due to come he started acting funny. Red flag number 2, but I still was going to get on the plane. Then he started answering his phone like "I'm busy baby let me hit you back" and wouldn't. Needless to say I didn't go and he gave me some lame ass excuse that his daughter was sick and in the hospital, but his ass was in Atlanta. I'm like wait aren't you and your children from a different state? I Didn't believe that shit. But I kept talking to his ass. With frequent trips to Atlanta and out of state but not to see my ass I was finally feed-up. I don't need to chase after any man, so I cut his ass off. I was not getting enough of his attention. He still calls and I still answer his calls; shit the brother is still fine and you never know when I might be in the South. LMAO
Everyone Has A Story
I thought that as I got older and better educated I would be able to (a) decipher bullshit men from the good ones and (b) put myself in places to meet good men. Apparently I haven't mastered either of those qualities because I keep getting myself involved with the worst men.
Now don't get me wrong I am cautious with my feelings, shit maybe overly cautious, because I never believe a word that comes out of these men's mouths. Somehow I still manage to get involved and get my feelings hurt. Go figure!
The Men:
I'll give you the stories one at a time because some are so outlandish. I will give only the first letters of their names to protect their identity and my car because some of them are straight fools.
First there is S. I meet him at work. He came into my store with his friend to buy something for his 6 year old daughter, red flag number 1, right? Not for me! He was really funny and I enjoyed helping him, his friend gave me his (S's) number but I didn't bother to call. A few weeks later I'm with my girls after the club getting pizza at the spot everyone goes to and who happens to be there but S. I hook my horn he came over and we started talking. He asks me why I didn't call I lie and say I lost the number when really I throw the shit out, why, I have no idea just because. I take his number again we go our separate ways and I wait a week to call, although I said I would call him the next day so we could go to see the 50 cent movie. When I do call I lie about why I didn't call, all this lying is a bad sign because I usually just tell the truth no matter how much I think it's going to hurt someone's feelings. So we are talking, he is real cool, we go out like every night, to eat, a movie anything. Then he up and gets sick and is in the hospital. His appendix. Like a fool I am there everyday with him, taking care of him, helping him go to the bathroom (when did I become his wife) I was even doing my school work up there. This is where it first gets ugly. I'm on the elevator in the hospital, he was there for like 2 weeks, and who gets on his daughter and baby mama. The best part is she is holding a new baby in her arms maybe 3 months old, hmmm is this is child as well cause he is fresh out the pussy. You guessed it that was his 3 month old son, damn. Needless to say I still stayed around. After he got out the hospital we finally had sex, he had a big dick it just didn't last long unless he was drunk. But I stayed around. Time flew, I meet the parents, spent time with the children and even attended family functions. I guess I should mention that he lived with his parents and younger brother; a detail he left out. Christmas came and went we exchanged gifts. His baby mama posted an engagement ring on the frige, hmmm. New Years came and went he was out of town. The last straw was his baby mama calling my job to talk about the relationship he and I had, I'm sorry that's none of her damn business and I let that be known. So I was finally sick of him, his children, his baby mama and his lack of stamina. I let it go. However S is back in my life; only as a booty-call if that makes it any better. And yes the stamina is upto par now.
To be continued...
